Ive lost it. Ive lost it all.
I thought I had it all bottled up in me and when I wanted to share with friends or real loves a tiny bit would spill out and I changed a little something in that person or even with myself. I was happy, it made them and myself delightful!
I had this special secret bottle filled with all my thoughts, feelings, cares, memories, jokes, inspirations. So on. It made me who I am. It made me an individual.
Im never one to completly give myself away. When I meet you you have to work extremely hard for the bottle to even open up. And once you screw something up its just that much harder to get into again.
Its guarded by all the most awful ferocious creatures in this world. Lions, hippos, eels and scorpions. I only let select few in. Even those who think they have had some of this special elixir have not.
Not even close. Not even some of the closest friends.
Its my most romantically dark side. Its the person who Ive always wanted to be and strive for. But you can't just show that side of you to anyone just all the time.
It would come off as fake and no one would really understand it anyway.
So its in a bottle-- well more like a jar. I picture it as a jar thats sealed so tightly. Its really lovely. Not over decorated just perfect and simple.
So this liquid, in a jar is guarded by bears and lions and the sort, in this spot in my heart.
Its almost even running low....not that I share with everyone. Its just...when your sad...
When you feel really low. It kind of evaporates. You just start to loose it. You get depressed and the elixir itself finds a mind of its own and just slowly leaves your body.
You as the host for this living breathing animal becomes unfit. You cannot happily support this organism. It realizes this, and slowly evaporates from your body. When that happens..
You lose your drive, passion...lose interest in almost everything.
I hate to put the blame on someone. Im never one to blame. Thats what the rest of my silly family is for. They like to blame.
But honestly someone stole my secret jar from me.
I don't know who stole it. But I know everyone stole it.
I wouldn't say that it slowly leaked away from me...some has.
I won't be a goddamned liar, over the years much much has slipped away from me. We all have to go through some really bad shit and we are just supposed to deal. But now even the goddamned jar is missing. Why take an empty jar? It could have slowly filled up again! Baffles me.
Maybe ill have my little jar back again. I try to look on the bright side. And I have good..wait..exceptionally extraordinary people in my life that have helped me not be a total zombie.
Its just weird you've had something your entire life and then its gone and you don't even get to keep the goddamned jar.
ugggh...here is to new beginnings. buck up. the end isn't as close as you think.
I might find a new jar that someone left behind. ill find it, clean it...call it my own.
I always do find the most amazing things second hand.